Dear Kathy,

I never get feedback on how I’m doing. No one tells me if I’m leading well or missing the mark. I want to lead in a way that feels true to who I am, but how do I know if that’s actually working?

Dear Nonprofit Leader

First, you need to know that you’re not the only one feeling this way! Many women in nonprofit leadership ask me the same question. They’re showing up every day, pouring energy into their staff, their board, and their programs, but getting silence in return. No one says, “You’re doing a great job,” or “Here’s where you might grow.” The only noise they hear is the chatter in their heads. Am I even doing this right? Does anyone notice how hard I’m trying? Is it making any difference at all?

I get it. I remember wishing someone would say, “You’re doing a good job,” instead of my boss adding to my endless list or my team needing just one more thing from me. But here’s what I eventually learned: leadership feedback doesn’t always arrive through other people’s words. More often, it shows up in how you feel, how you act, and how others experience you.

When I hit one of my leadership lows, I didn’t need to wait for my performance review to tell me I wasn’t doing well. By the time it came, I already knew. The review just confirmed what I had been feeling for months, that something was off, and I wasn’t showing up as the leader I wanted to be.

My team was walking on eggshells, I was bringing work home with me every night, and my integrity was slipping.

• I kept saying I valued family, yet I always seemed to be travelling on business when my family needed me most.
• I told my team to take care of themselves, but I was running on empty and setting the opposite example.
• I said I was available, yet they found me hard to reach.

The feedback I was looking for was as plain as the nose on my face. I just wasn’t listening to it.

• The tension in the team indicated our culture was off.
• The knot in my stomach told me I wasn’t being true to my values.
• My short tone in meetings showed that my composure had slipped.
• My to-do list said it all: I was reacting to everyone else’s needs but my own.
• My shoulders were permanently tense, a physical sign of the pressure I wouldn’t admit I was under.
• The look on my family’s faces when I opened my laptop at home said more than any performance review ever could.

The mirror was reflecting the truth: I didn’t like the leader staring back at me. It was then that I realized I needed to learn to start listening in a different way.

How to tell if you’re leading effectively

Leadership isn’t about what you do. It’s about who you are while you do it. It’s not just what you say or delegate, but how you do it.

• Your tone.
• Your follow-through.
• Your calm, or your struggle to keep it, when things go sideways.

People don’t follow your title. They follow how you show up. That’s your feedback, reflected in every interaction you have with your team.

I saw this play out with one of my clients, Madeline. When she became a director, she thought she had to be more assertive and less emotional. She tried to copy the masculine leaders she had seen before her, firm, decisive, sometimes sharp. Her board, made up of leaders with similar styles, praised her for it, but her team grew distant. The harder Madeline tried to appear confident, the less connected she felt.

During our coaching sessions, Madeline realized the feedback had been there all along. It was in her team’s withdrawal, the guarded silence in their meetings, and her own exhaustion. Once she stopped performing (putting on the act of who she thought a “real” leader should be) and began leading with her natural empathy and compassion, everything shifted. Her team relaxed. Trust rebuilt. The feedback she had been missing returned, not in words, but in engagement and energy.

When you don’t get feedback, start with self-reflection

When you aren’t getting feedback from others, it can be tempting to assume there’s nothing to learn or change. But sometimes, the most valuable feedback comes from within. That’s when it’s time to pause and get curious.

Ask yourself three simple but powerful questions:

Who am I right now?

How would people describe the way I show up, my actions, and how I engage with them?

Who am I becoming?

What kind of leader do I want to be known as, and how do I want people to feel after interacting with me?

How am I living that today?

What choices, habits, or conversations show that I’m moving closer to that version of myself?

These questions form the backbone of character driven leadership. They help you notice whether your actions align with your values, which is the kind of alignment that makes leadership feel steady and clear.

When your actions match your values (leading with integrity), you feel calm, steady, and grounded. When you stray from them (out of integrity), you feel off balance, uneasy, or frustrated. That’s your inner compass nudging you back toward integrity. Integrity simply means your words and actions match. And while your team may not tell you every time they notice, they feel it when they can count on you to do what you say.

Self-reflection helps you see what’s happening within you, but growth also requires perspective from those around you. Once you’ve looked inward, it’s time to open the door to feedback from others. To truly grow, you need the courage to ask how your leadership feels on their end.

This is what I call being a character-driven leader. It means leading from the inside out, staying grounded in your values and integrity rather than performing or trying to please.

Character-driven leaders don’t lead to impress others or chase approval, but they do care about how they’re perceived. Your reputation is the public reflection of your character; it’s how others experience you, your consistency, and your values in action.

How to ask your team for feedback as a nonprofit leader

So how do you courageously seek perspective from others, but in a way that invites honesty? Let me tell you how I coached my client Maria to do it.

When Maria first became a manager, she wanted her team’s input but felt awkward asking for it. When she finally found the courage to ask, “How am I doing as your supervisor?” she was met with vague answers, such as “You’re fine.” It’s all good, or worse, a few polite smiles and awkward silence. Not so helpful!

I explained to Maria that her staff needed specific questions to focus their answers. Before people will give honest feedback, they need to trust that it’s safe to speak up. Specific questions don’t just make feedback easier; they also show you’re listening, which is what builds trust in the first place.

I taught Maria two simple frameworks to invite honest, actionable feedback.

Stop, Start, Continue

• What’s one thing I could stop doing that gets in the way or makes your work harder?
• What’s one thing I could start doing that would help you feel more supported or effective?
• What’s one thing I should continue doing because it helps you or the team do your best work?

Other times, she used The Connection Conversation

• When did you feel most supported by me recently?
• What’s one way I could make your work easier or smoother?
• What could I do next week that would help you feel more engaged or confident?

The first time she tried this, Maria was hesitant that it would work. She was worried her staff might still give general answers. She was pleasantly surprised when her team responded with genuine appreciation. They told her they valued her openness and her willingness to hear the hard stuff. Those conversations became a turning point in Maria’s leadership. Her staff felt seen and trusted, and Maria gained the practical feedback she needed to grow her confidence.

Questions like these work because they’re rooted in genuine curiosity, not an attempt to manage or fix. They signal humility and a desire to make things better. When you ask them regularly, not as a one-time survey, but as part of your ongoing conversations, they create a culture of safety and mutual respect. People start to see that you genuinely want to hear their feedback and that their voice matters.

How to know you’re improving as a leader

You don’t need to wait for a performance review or a pat on the back to know you’re leading well. The most meaningful feedback shows up in what you notice about yourself, how your relationships feel, and the results you see in your work. You’ll know you’re on the right track when your leadership feels like you. When you end your day proud of how you showed up, even if everything didn’t go perfectly, you’ll know your leadership is working.

And when it doesn’t feel right, it’s simply an invitation to pause, reflect, and reconnect with your values. Every moment gives you the chance to adjust, to intentionally act a little more like the leader you’re choosing to become. I call this your aspirational identity, and you can learn more about it in Character Driven Leadership for Women.

So don’t wait for others to tell you how you’re doing.

Ask yourself.

Notice your impact.

And when you do reach out for feedback, ask for specific feedback with open curiosity.

You’ll not only gain better insight, but you’ll also become the kind of leader people feel safe being honest with.

And that’s when leadership starts to feel good again.

Kathy Archer knows what it’s like to constantly put out fires, question every decision, and carry the weight of an entire organization. She was once that overwhelmed nonprofit leader, teetering on the edge of burnout. Now, as a leadership development coach, she helps nonprofit leaders stop drowning in work, doubting themselves, and carrying it all alone so they can lead with confidence, set boundaries, and finally take control of their leadership and life.

 

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