Today’s question is one I hear from nonprofit leaders all the time…
Dear Kathy,
How do I feel confident in giving feedback when I hate conflict?
Dear Nonprofit Leader,
First, let’s clear something up. Feedback and conflict are not the same thing.
But because feedback can lead to uncomfortable reactions like staff getting defensive, shutting down, or even yelling, many of us see conflict as an inevitable part of feedback. It doesn’t have to be.
Yes, feedback can sometimes lead to uncomfortable reactions—staff getting defensive, shutting down, or even raising their voice. But conflict isn’t inevitable when you give feedback. The reason many of us dread these conversations is simple: most of us were never actually taught how to give effective feedback.
Most leaders step into their roles because they’ve been successful in their frontline roles, but rarely receive actual leadership training, especially on how to deliver constructive feedback. That leaves you feeling unprepared and unskilled in being able to handle the big emotions if they arise, and when you don’t feel skilled at something, of course, you want to avoid it.
Give yourself grace. You don’t have to be perfect at feedback. Leadership isn’t about nailing everything all the time. What you do need is a growth mindset, which is the belief that you can improve over time with practice and a willingness to learn.
Here’s your roadmap: I’ll share two crucial mindset shifts, give you practical questions to guide your conversations, and outline three areas for ongoing development. This isn’t about becoming perfect overnight. It’s about building your confidence through competence.
Two essential mindset shifts
Mindset shift # 1 – You aren’t fixing them – You are growing them
Our job as leaders is not to fix our nonprofit staff. They aren’t broken. Instead, our job is to help others grow and develop. By simply framing the conversation as “feedback” or “addressing an issue”, it can feel like we are judging or grading them, pointing out their flaws or imperfections. I don’t know about you, but it feels like I’m being attacked when someone does that to me.
These kinds of “attacks” put people on the defensive, which is exactly what makes these conversations spiral into conflict. That’s when the emotions start to become more unmanageable, which is why we avoid the conversations, rush through them, or they go sideways.
Instead, frame it as a “next-steps conversation.” Focus on their growth potential rather than their shortcomings.
Mindset shift # 2 – Look more forward than back
So, how do you make that forward shift to the next steps? You use curiosity.
Whether you’re talking to a new employee or a seasoned team member, everyone has room to grow. Imagine you’re helping this person reach their full potential. What are they capable of? What would it look like if they overcame these challenges?
Here’s the formula:
- Spend only 10-20% of the conversation clarifying what happened
- Spend 80-90% focusing on what’s next
A backward glance anchors problems in the past. A forward focus creates clarity and motivation for change.
Your conversation toolkit: Questions that work
The secret to forward-focused conversations? Curiosity. You don’t need to have all the answers. Instead, help your employee discover their own path forward by asking some of these questions:
Defining success and approach
- How do you want to approach this differently?
- What would success look like for you moving forward?
- How do you want others to describe the way you handled this?
Planning for support and obstacles
- Which of your strengths can you draw on to help you get there?
- What might get in the way, and how can we plan for that?
- What do you need from me to do that?
Clarify action steps
- What are your next steps?
- Precisely when will you take them?
- What kind of support or resources do you need to ensure success?
Building accountability and support
- What will you do to keep yourself on track?
- How can I hold you accountable in a way that feels supportive and not like micromanaging?
- How do you want me to approach you if you don’t follow through with the commitments you make?
Three areas for long-term growth
These mindset shifts and questions will make your next feedback conversation smoother, but it probably won’t be perfect, and that’s okay. Confident leadership comes from intentional, ongoing development in these three areas:
1) Emotional intelligence
Learn to manage your emotions so that if someone gets defensive, you don’t spiral with them. The more you can stay composed, the more confident you’ll feel.
Emotional intelligence begins with recognizing and naming your emotions, then managing them, rather than shutting them off. This takes inner work and self-reflection. As I also say to my students, do the inner work. It’s worth it.
2) Leadership
You weren’t taught leadership specifically, so keep learning. Read books, take classes, listen to podcasts. Leadership is about figuring out who you are, leading with your strengths, making value-based decisions, and balancing priorities and relationships. It’s also about understanding people-pleasing, perfectionism, and overachievement and how to move past those traps.
3) Manage your self-talk
Nonprofit leaders often struggle with impostor syndrome and a lack of confidence. Confidence first starts with competence, which is why a growth mindset is so important. Without the skills to manage a difficult conversation, you won’t feel confident. But it’s also about your thoughts. Learning to manage what you think. Mold your mindset by changing the way you speak to yourself. Instead of saying, I’m terrible at giving feedback, say, I’m not good at giving feedback—yet. Then move it into degrees: I’m getting better. I’m learning to be clearer. I’m improving.
Ready to dive deeper into all three of these areas? If you’re serious about developing your emotional intelligence, strengthening your leadership skills, and transforming your self-talk, I’ve written extensively about each of these topics in Character Driven Leadership for Women. The book provides practical frameworks, exercises, and real-world examples to help you build confidence in every aspect of your leadership, including those challenging feedback conversations we’ve been discussing.
You don’t have to figure this out alone. The inner work of leadership development is exactly what the book is designed to guide you through, step by step.
The real work begins now
There’s no quick fix for becoming a confident leader who handles feedback conversations well. Leadership is a journey, not a single workshop or one-time win. I promise, though, the more you invest in learning, practicing, and reflecting, the more confident you’ll become.
One day, you’ll look back and realize that what used to feel like inevitable conflict now feels like a natural conversation and an important part of how you lead your team toward their best work. It starts with a commitment to continually develop yourself. You’ll be glad you did.
About Kathy
Kathy Archer knows what it’s like to constantly put out fires, question every decision, and carry the weight of an entire organization. She was once that overwhelmed nonprofit leader, teetering on the edge of burnout. Now, as a leadership development coach, she helps nonprofit leaders stop drowning in work, doubting themselves, and carrying it all alone so they can lead with confidence, set boundaries, and finally take control of their leadership and life.
She’s the author of two books, Mastering Confidence and Character Driven Leadership for Women. Kathy supports leaders inside her membership, The Training Library. Come say hi at kathyarcher.com.
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