As leaders, we often believe our job is to have all the answers. To know everything. To never look uncertain. But here’s what that belief actually costs us. It keeps us stuck, it keeps our teams stuck, and it quietly drives us toward burnout.
True leadership isn’t about having the answers. It’s about helping the people around us grow and develop. And to do that well, we have to do our own inner work first. We have to face the fear of not knowing, slow down long enough to reflect, and get honest about who we’re being as leaders — not just what we’re doing.
That kind of growth doesn’t happen by accident. It requires intentional practice.
In my book Character Driven Leadership for Women, I share six practices to help you make your character development stick:
- Lead with Learning
- Call in Curiosity
- Mould Your Mindset
- Jot in Your Journal
- Weave in Wellness
- Hone Your Habits
Today I want to share a piece of Chapter 16, which is all about calling in curiosity, which is one of the most powerful tools you have for doing the inner work that real leadership requires.
The questions you ask matter more than you think
One of the most powerful parts of curiosity is questioning…
One of the most powerful parts of curiosity is questioning. We ask questions to know more, understand better, or gain confirmation. Your questions may be related to someone else or to yourself.
There are two guidelines to use when using curiosity as a practice to develop your character:
- Nix “why” questions. They make us defensive and point us backwards.
- Ask forward-facing questions, which generally start with “what” and “how.” They open us up and point us forward.
The 80/20 rule of question-asking is a helpful framework for balancing reflection on past experiences with forward-facing inquiry. By spending most of our time focusing on the present moment and the future, we can channel our curiosity toward actionable insights and solutions. About 20 percent of the time, let your curiosity go backwards. Review what happened—the incident or conversation—in your mind or through a self-reflective exercise. Take a nonjudgmental look at the events. Notice when you got triggered and what that trigger was. See how you reacted. A glance back is most likely enough. Now, it’s time to shift your focus. A rough guideline for breaking down that 80 percent might be 30 percent on the present and 50 percent on the future. This isn’t about exact splits but about intentional focus.
Here are some questions to point you backwards:
- What happened?
- What was I feeling?
- What was I thinking?
- What values were triggered?
- What was going on around me?
- What body sensation did I feel when I was triggered?
- How was my physical, mental, and emotional health at the time?
These kinds of questions help you reflect in the moment:
- What’s going on in my body now as I think about this?
- What judgments do I have about how I responded?
- What assumptions do I have about the other person involved?
- What lessons can I take away from this review?
These questions point you to the future:
- What would the person I’m becoming do in a similar situation in the future?
- What strengths can I use to help me be that person?
- What would I need to do to remind myself to use those strengths in the future?
- What do I need to do with my wellness to ensure I’ll have the strength of will in those moments?
- What habits do I need to remove?
- What habits do I need to cultivate?
Questions point us in a direction, so craft your questions carefully. The question you ask sends you in search of answers. Therefore, you need to decide on the direction you want to go. Ensure your question points you in the way of progress. I’m not suggesting you ask a question if you already know the answer. A question you don’t know the answer to can point you to the other side of figuring it out.
Let’s look at an example of self-reflection regarding your team.
What is wrong with this team?
This question leads to finger-pointing shame and embarrassment.
What parts of this team are working well?
This question has the potential to build up and strengthen what is working. Keep going with questions that point you to where you want to go.
What would this team need to do to become our strongest team?
What would I have to do differently to grow my team into the strongest in our organization?
What character traits could I strengthen to grow my team into the strongest in our organization?
Do you feel the power of being intentional about the direction of your questions?
Asking quality questions starts with being mindful and intentional. Think of your questions as your investment. The question you ask affects the answer you get. You must be deliberate in how you craft questions, taking time to refine and change them as you go. If you want an answer that will make a difference in your life, work, and world, find a question that gives you that answer.
Most of us are not conscious of the questions we ask. Instead, a barrage of unconscious queries swirls around in our minds, often seeping out into a voiced rant to whoever will listen in the vicinity.
- What did I do to deserve this?
- When is my life going to change?
- Why can’t I do anything right?
- What is wrong with people?
- Why can’t they ever get it right?
- When will things ever change?
These questions are unproductive, leading to blame and finger-pointing. They focus on problems and the past instead of solutions and responsibility, leaving you powerless and unable to make changes.
Instead of these victim-based questions, you must ask quality questions that put you back in control. Quality questions produce valuable answers that give you something you can do, point you in a direction, and give you hope and optimism. Answering these questions is worthwhile because they move you forward, cultivating your desired character.
Out of the various question starters (who, what, when, where, how, and why), “why” is the one you want to use least, and “what” is the one to use most frequently.
Why do we need to be careful of why questions? When you ask a why question, notice the tone: “Why me?” As we saw above, why questions evoke a victim mentality. When you ask a why question with a victim mindset, you have relinquished all control, giving the power of your thoughts and behaviours to others.
- Why can’t anyone ever help me?
- Why do things always go this way?
- Why does this always happen to me?
To quiet the victim mindset, ask better quality questions:
- What belief hinders my ability to ask for help?
- What action will I take today to start better managing my to-do list?
- What thoughts will help me set more effective boundaries and stick to them?
The way to pose why questions is to connect to your bigger purpose and vision in life. These kinds of why questions are not victim statements. Instead, they are profoundly curious questions asked by a person who is consciously developing their character. Here are some examples of effective why questions:
- Why does this matter so much to me?
- Why do I care so much about this project, person, cause, or organization?
- Why is this something I would want to invest my time into?
It’s also important to note that a single question may not get you the answer you want or pivot your perspective in the way that helps you become the type of leader you want to be. Instead, a series of well-crafted questions can help you move toward your future vision.
Calling in curiosity allows you to create the character traits in yourself that create the impact on others you desire. Curiosity is the work of self-reflection, and self-reflection is key to character development.
Want to keep reading? You can grab the first chapter free of Character Driven Leadership for Women or purchase it here, and see for yourself what character-driven leadership can do for you.
Kathy Archer knows what it’s like to constantly put out fires, question every decision, and carry the weight of an entire organization. She was once that overwhelmed nonprofit leader, teetering on the edge of burnout. Now, as a leadership development coach, Kathy helps nonprofit leaders stop drowning in work, doubting themselves, and carrying it all alone, so they can lead with confidence, set boundaries, and finally take control of their leadership and their lives.
She’s the author of Mastering Confidence and Character Driven Leadership for Women, and she runs The Training Library, a membership site where nonprofit leaders get the tools, courses, and coaching they need to build their confidence, develop their character, and create balance as they lead.
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