With nearly 60% of Canadians report having dated someone they have met at work, CharityVillage® thought it would be interesting (and timely for mid-February) to explore how individuals and organizations navigate the intrigues and realities of workplace dating and ask: are office romances still taboo?

Apparently so. As long as we assured anonymity, people who had fallen in love at work were happy to tell their stories. Human resources consultants were also willing, but it was difficult to find people willing to talk from their organization’s perspective about the reality of workplace dating in nonprofits. As one human resources staff person said, “It’s an awkward topic — employers don’t want to acknowledge that work is a place where people can meet, even though it happens.”

Brenda Ellis, senior human resources consultant at Clearpath Employer Services, a human resources consulting firm in Cambridge, Ontario says, “A lot of organizations don’t tend to have specific policies on workplace dating — it depends on the workplace and how relevant it is to the organization.” Very small organizations or those with all-female or all-male staff are less likely to perceive a need for this sort of policy.

However, for many nonprofits, ignoring the reality that relationships emerge when people spend a third of their time with others who share their values, is a risky strategy.

Stuart Rudner, a lawyer with Miller Thomson who advises nonprofits, says, “I highly recommend that all employers have a policy addressing intimate relationships among staff. Such relationships can cause serious concern and expose the employer to potential liability.”

The power of love

‘Danny’ and ‘Sandy’ worked at a children’s summer camp — he was a counsellor and she was the nurse. “The camp didn’t have a hard and fast policy,” Sandy says. “It was more like, fine, we understand this is where you meet and greet but it can’t be at expense of your focus on the kids.” Sandy describes meeting her husband in this setting, “You see someone in a real life context — how they treat peers, supervisors, and in this case, how they are with kids. On a date, you don’t get that full sense of the person.” Another benefit of meeting in this way was that they knew they shared core values.

Even when supervisors are delighted to see romantic relationships blossoming, they need to remember that such relationships can lead to organizational challenges. The heart of the concern about dating in the workplace is that of power and its abuse.

Ellis advises that, at a bare minimum, organizations need to have a policy that two individuals in a relationship together cannot also be in a reporting relationship. This is the case at Toronto’s Yonge Street Mission. “Dating is not against the rules unless they are supervisors and direct reports,” says Julia Silvestri, marketing and social media coordinator for the Yonge Street Mission.

This is because, as Rudner says, “There can be serious issues if one person involved in the relationship is in a position of power in relation to the other. This can lead to allegations of favouritism, harassment, and other improper behaviour. While it may be impossible to ban relationships between employees altogether, employers should at least ensure that employees involved in a romantic relationship are not also in a reporting relationship at work.”

Ellis also believes “Employers should require employees to disclose to their manager when they have entered into a romantic relationship, without infringing on their privacy. This allows for confirmation that the relationship is consensual.” It also offers the opportunity to inform both individuals of related organizational policies and expectations.

And I love her

“What works for one organization won’t work for another,” says Ellis. “You want to establish appropriate avenues for any concerns that arise.” The committee determining human resources policies for the University of Waterloo “became convinced that the best interests of the institution would not be served by a restrictive ‘do not’ policy…Accordingly, the Committee opted for the disclosure route in defining a conflict of interest policy.”

Among other conflicts of interest, employees in a sexual or familial relationship are asked to complete a disclosure form, allowing supervisors to determine how to proceed. Kenton Needham, director of human resources for the University of Waterloo, says, “We have a policy that people living together or in the same family cannot be in a reporting relationship.” He says that, with many couples and family members on its large staff, “We have had to separate family members for purpose of reporting — they work side by side, and normally would work together.”

This kind of policy avoids “potentially putting someone in a position of risk and power.” This can involve both reality and perception: whether it is the risk of collusion between two people in a relationship or the perception among staff that a person in a relationship is receiving special treatment. Needham says these can “damage both a manager’s reputation and credibility” and makes any necessary disciplinary action more difficult. An employee in a relationship with a supervisor experiences isolation from other colleagues who may not trust their peer “because of pillow talk.”

Bad romance

When ‘Sally’ met ‘Harry’ they were coworkers working on the same projects at a nonprofit. After dating a couple of times, Sally says they recognized, “We weren’t on the same page.” When they broke up, however, it was difficult because “We were around each other all the time.” She says it took several years for them to be able to talk and work comfortably together again. If asked, Sally says she would repeat the advice she was given about dating coworkers: DON’T DO IT! She adds, “I think it makes things too complicated.”

There can also be consequences after a relationship between colleagues comes to an end. Rudner says, “Even if the relationship is consensual at the outset, if it breaks down, it can result in allegations of sexual harassment.” Many provinces have legislation through their respective Ministries of Labour that addresses such allegations. As unromantic as it sounds, Ellis says organizations need to look at issues of harassment, determine what their stance will be, how the process would unfold and how an individual would go about making a complaint. An organization that does not have such a policy leaves itself open to being a target of legal action.

How to love

‘Clark’ and ‘Lois’ worked for the same nonprofit, although their organization was large enough that they didn’t work on the same projects. A year later, they started dating. Unsure of what would happen between them, they didn’t tell the colleagues they socialized with that they were seeing one another. Lois says that once they decided they were in a relationship, they had to figure out how to tell people at work. Their organization had no policy on relationships. Elsewhere they read that it was a good practice to “put things on paper” so, a little nervous, they “wrote a letter saying we were in a relationship, that this was separate from our workplace, that we would act professionally at work.” They presented the letter to their supervisor who was surprised but supportive. Lois adds they considered not dating – “We thought it wouldn’t be worth it because it would be awful if it didn’t go well” — but “People in nonprofits have the same passions and interests and that attracts you to the other person. In nonprofits, it’s about the mission, the cause, the culture — and that’s almost a magnet for drawing like-minded people together.”

Human resources professionals and dating couples we talked to offered the following guidelines for co-workers considering a romantic relationship:

1. Set boundaries that create a healthy work-life balance. One couple said, “We had to make a rule to stop talking about work when not at work.”

2. Make sure colleagues know that you won’t be talking about work together, and that at work you are two individuals, not a couple.

3. Be professional: no kissing in the mailroom. This is an issue of appropriate conduct that is separate from a dating policy.

4. Think carefully about how and when you communicate the fact of your relationship at work. This isn’t one to chat about with coworkers. At some point, tell your supervisor(s) that you are in a relationship, assuring them that you will continue to act professionally. Put it in writing to avoid later confusion or conflict.

5. Make certain you aren’t in a position where one of you is (or is perceived to be) responsible for the other’s work.

6. Think twice. If things don’t work out, it can be awkward at best and the other person may be difficult to avoid.

Valentine’s Day tends to bring out either the romantic or the cynic in each of us. When it comes to the complex challenges of workplace dating, however, a more cautious and realistic approach by both employees and human resources professionals will be more likely to bring about the happy ending we all want.

Susan Fish is a writer/editor at Storywell, a company that helps individuals and organization tell their story well. She has written for the nonprofit sector for almost two decades and loves a good story.

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